Hello everyone !! And welcome back to FEELING GOOD WITH SOFY!!
So, in this article I will be talking about TOXIC PEOPLE.
First of all, I am going to say HOW FORTUNATE AND GRATEFUL I AM to have a BEAUTIFUL,LOVING,SUPPORTING AND AN OPEN-MINDED FAMILY, because IT’S NOT THAT OBVIOUS, AT ALL…
Since the beginning of my school years, MY FAMILY HAS SUPPORTED ME, NO MATTER WHAT!!!
Then, of course, there have been misunderstandings, here and there (especially in high-school )along the way.I have learned with time that NO FAMILY IS PERFECT (And..as I already mentioned in my latest article: the power of mindfulness and meditation, WE (HUMANS) ARE NOT DESIGNED TO BE PERFECT!).
As I was saying, WITHOUT THEM, AND MY THERAPISTS THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN MORE COMPLICATED AND HARD TO MANAGE (ALONE).
This topic, (TOXIC PEOPLE )is a very challenging one for me.
“How do you feel about it? Do also feel the same as I do…”? ” Have you ever met or known a person that has made YOU FEEL AWFUL WITH YOUR OWN SELF…”?
For me, hearing THE ADJECTIVE TOXIC, in general, makes me feel bad, not so awful as before, fortunately, BUT quite bad, (remember that, this is a journey…).
Luckly, I am now surrounded, mostly by HEALTHY, GENUINE PEOPLE.
(I call them HEALTHY because THEY ARE the opposite of TOXIC).
BUT in the past, I’ve been dealing with MANY TOXIC PEOPLE (ESPECIALLY IN HIGH-SCHOOL) WHO, HAVE REALLY HURT MY:
1)SOUL: it’s like, as if someone has hurt me, with a sharp knife and the journey to recovery takes LOT OF TIME, (remember baby-steps…).
2)BODY: why this one? Because I got so anxious for not being at ease at school, that my body was hurting, my body was telling me signals through a somatic way: shortness of breath, feeling sweaty,dizzy, and so on.
AND
3) MIND: my mind started to become “very sick”:
•for ALL THAT BULLYING… how just words can make you feel really bad, in fact WORDS ARE ARE A VERY POWERFUL TOOL AND IF YOU USE THEM TO HURT ANOTHER ONE, IT CAN BE VERY DAMAGING FOR THIS PERSON,
then • for ALL THESE SCORNFUL, JUDGING LOOKS (here and there).
To the point that I WAS READY TO SAY NO TO THE LIFE I’VE BEEN GIVEN.
(THIS, IN HIGH-SCHOOL).
I THANK AGAIN MY THERAPISTS, ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND FAMILY for THEIR CONSTANT SUPPORT TO NEVER GIVE UP. (MUCH LOVE TO THEM )
Let’s dig, together, (if you want to,no restrictions) a little deeper to THE CONCEPT OF TOXIC PEOPLE.
So, in my opinion a TOXIC PERSON IS A PERSON who is NOT SATISFIED WITH HERSELF OR HIMSELF and feels the need to talk bad about others so she or he can feel better.
Toxic people are also, in my experience, people who have nothing else to do but to gossip about other people’s life.
During middle school, people, or girls I would say (12-13) began telling me how skinny I was, that I had anorexia, they told me:” You are too skinny”, or “You need to start to eat now or more…”You gotta get fat…”.
One time this girl, (who was SUPPOSED to BE MY FRIEND) touched my back and said to me:”Sofia, you are so skinny that I can touch your spine”. More then once this girl told me to look at her so she could give me the middle finger, AND SHE, WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND?!?Yeah you read right, I UNDERSTOOD WITH TIME THAT SHE WAS A FAKE FRIEND. Another girl told me directly more than once:” You are a bitch…”. Maybe she was just joking with me BUT I TOOK IT SERIOUSLY.
I didn’t have many friends at school (in general), I was and I AM A SHY PERSON, (further on, one of my articles will be called: BEING SHY, IS NOT A WEAKNESS!!!).
People, especially at school, both middle school and at the beginning of high-school told me more than once things like: “You should speak more”, or sometimes:” Sofia is so shy” class mates telling that to professors OR EVEN SOME PROFESSORS IN HIGH-SCHOOL TELLING IT ! AS IF IT WAS A BAD THING!!.
NOW, I KNOW THAT BEING SHY IS NOT, ABSOLUTELY NOT, A BAD THING !
But going back with time I remember that I TOOK IT VERY SERIOUSLY.
In fact, I began to really think that something was wrong with me (being shy, not talking that much).
I am VERY GRATEFUL FOR MY PREVIOUS THERAPIST, who supported me along the way (this, in high-school), she and OTHER FEW PEOPLE made me realise that I was not wrong at all (regarding my shyness).
And, if someone, NOW, says to me that I am too skinny, I TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT!!
(I am STILL LEARNING AND WORKING on other struggles, with my current therapist , that really hurt in the past).
PEOPLE, MANY TIMES, WHO ARE NOT SATISFIED WITH THEMSELVES SPILL OUT THEIR OWN PROBLEMS by saying MEAN THINGS TO OTHERS.
I have quite LET GO OF ALL THESE BAD COMMENTS that these girls were telling me, we were so young, even if I was not at ease with them, I HAD NO CHOICE, I didn’t really have genuine friends, I could count on…I FELT VERY LONELY( ESPECIALLY AT THE AGE:13) and I ALSO I UNDERSTOOD WITH TIME that we did not have so much in common.
Yes, of course, you can be friend with someone who is different than you BUT when this person starts to say mean things here and there to you, THAT’S NOT FRIENDSHIP!!
I thought, however, that with high-school these kind of problems would be gone, (I mean being older, more mature) or at least having some new genuine friends to count on BUT I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG.
IN FACT, THE REAL NIGHTMARE BEGAN IN HIGH-SCHOOL.
I began to feel that the real bullying began when I was 14-15 years old.
First of all, I understood with time that I WAS NOT FEELING GOOD AT ALL AT SCHOOL IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I ALREADY SAW AT A VERY YOUNG AGE, HOW DARKNESS WAS BEGINNING TO COVER ME: DEPRESSION (I WILL TALK ABOUT IT…), I WAS FEELING HOPELESS AND ABSOLUTELY NOT AT EASE WITH MANY OF MY CLASSMATES.
(then of course, you have to be lucky with whom you become friend with…).
Due to my severe anxiety I began to go to the toilet (at school) at least 5 times ( I am going to explain more about SEVERE ANXIETY, further on), BUT THAT WAS NOT ENOUGH.
I began to hear people (CLASSMATES ) talking around my back, saying MEAN THINGS like:”She smells of bug…” “She must have changed perfume or smell”.
Feeling so anxious and the need to go to the toilet, classmates began imitating me (of course, in a negative way and in a neutral way so professors could not see it), I really saw clearly that they were making fun of me and I JUST WANTED TO DISAPPEAR. I really felt that I could not stand to stay in the classroom anymore.
EVEN A PROFESSOR, SAID IN GENERAL, TO THE ENTIRE CLASSROOM (this, many times) when coming in the class:” YOU GUYS STINK! Open the window.” For my point of view THIS IS VERY IMMATURE, ESPECIALLY IF IT COMES FROM AN ADULT! (NO WORDS…)
One night, at the age of 17, (I was in Stockholm) I was particularly sad so sad that I could not fall asleep that I went to the kitchen to write,(JOURNALING), I wrote pages on how I was feeling and felt in the past about high-school.
I am showing to you, just a part of what I wrote about HOW I FELT AT THE AGE 14-15
(MOSTLY AT 15).
“I FEEL LONELY, I remember those times when I needed to go to the toilet every single minute (which were pure hell for me), worried if I would smell sweat and pee, washing my clothes as soon as I used them, hearing people making fun of me around my back, loosing appetite, concentration…”.
At 16 years old, I began taking antidepressants, so the toilet thing calmed down, FORTUNATELY.
At that age, I began also to find some HOPE because MODELING CAME UP MY MIND, I began feeling THRILLED EVERYTIME I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, working with photographers and so on.
OF COURSE these words (about me wishing to become a model) scattered to the entire school, (this high-school has or had no more than 5 classes, one class for each year) and so, many people began staring at me as if I’ve done something bad.
This same professor (who said:”You stink…) said one day in the middle of a lesson how models are “fake” …I really do not remember what she really said because I was so angry at her for NOT BEING RESPECTFUL AT ALL…
Another professor told me once:” You are so skinny, Sofia, you should eat more..”. She said something like that and I remember becoming very tearful, so on edge that I JUST WANTED TO RUN AWAY, even if I could not.
After talking to my mom, to my (previous) therapist (it took a while, in fact I remember very well, my psychologist telling me that it was NOT OK DWELLING ON THIS BAD MOMENT…) I decided from that moment on to take all these comments AS A COMPLIMENT even if further on I would still hear people saying (around my back) bad things about my body and I, with all my strength, tears in my eyes, was bravely enough to almost not care at all. I STARTED TO LOVE MY BODY MORE AFTER HIGH-SCHOOL, even if things would later become twisted again with my modeling career (as I already mentioned in my latest article I am going to write about MODELING WITH AGENCIES…).
IT’S A JOURNEY REMEMBER THAT.
Now I am a freelance model .
Anyway, there were these two girls in my class (in high-school ) who, for practically, four years talked shit about me, around my back. They were nice to me when we had to do a school job (ex.), they were pretending to be kind and honest to me BUT THEY TOTALLY FAILED, VERY BAD ACTING , I AM AN HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON (I will talk about this quality, later on, which can unfortunately be hard to manage many times..BUT AS ALWAYS, ONCE YOU LEARN ABOUT SOMETHING NEW AND TAKE TIME TO UNDERSTAND AND FIND WAYS TO MANAGE..IT WILL BECOME IN SOME WAY EASIER , even though I still struggle (IT’S A JOURNEY…).
There was this guy whom I fancied and in some way the entire school knew…I learned later that this guy was NOT GOOD FOR ME AT ALL!! I was blind…BUT THE UGLIEST PART WAS THAT PEOPLE BEGAN TALKING ABOUT THIS AROUND MY BACK, GOSSIPING, AS IF IT WAS THEIR CONCERN!!. I know that some professors also knew it , no words.
So, to sum up, HEARING CONSTANTLY PEOPLE (ESPECIALLY SOME OF THEM), TALKING NEGATIVELY ABOUT ME, AROUND MY BACK, ABOUT THINGS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN TRUE OR NOT SO TRUE ,CAUSED ME ALSO A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN AND DEPRESSION.
At high-school I felt that practically just one or two girls in my class were genuine and kind to me but especially one of them, and even if we didn’t share the same passions I felt at ease with her, I DIDN’T FEEL JUDGED BY HER AND I WAS/AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR HER PRESENCE IN MOMENTS FOR ME OF COMPLETE and UTTER DESPERATION.
•LEARNING TO LET GO AND MOVE FORWARD.
Replacing ANGER with LOVE is NOT AN EASY THING TO DO, especially if the wound is big and profound.
LOVE, LET GO AND RELEASE ARE VERY POWERFUL WORDS.
It’s NOT FUN and especially NOT GOOD FOR YOUR MENTAL-HEALTH CONTINUING BE ANGRY…
One day, (this, after finishing school), I was listening to a motivational video on YouTube and after a while this voice said:”RELEASE, RELEASE ALL THE BAD THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU, AND LET GO…AND TAKE IN WHAT’S GOOD RIGHT NOW”. (MINDFULNESS).
I love one of Karl Marx QUOTES, i am showing you just a part of it :), the one saying: “surround yourself with PEOPLE WHO GENUINELY CARE. THEY ARE THE ONES WORTH KEEPING IN YOUR LIFE. Everyone else is just passing through”.
Unfortunately we can’t always avoid TOXIC PEOPLE, but to recognize them and saying to yourself like:” Ok, she/he’s not good for me, she told me that mean thing…BUT there is Lara (for ex.), who is honest, funny, kind to me!”.
Try to find THOSE PEOPLE, WHO DO YOU GOOD, WHO TAKE OUT THE BEST IN YOU .
Try to surround yourself with HEALTHY, GENUINE PEOPLE.
I know, It can take some time…BUT BELIEVE ME, IT IS WORTH WAITING.
For me It took a great deal of time to find genuine friends that I could count on (Ex.).
AT THE AGE OF 18 I MET ONE OF MY CURRENT, CLOSEST FRIENDS A LOVELY, SWEET, BEAUTIFUL PERSON from Italy and Norway, whom with time I’m cultivating a GENUINE FRIENDSHIP with. I am very grateful for her .
As I am very grateful for A GENUINE FRIEND FROM GERMANY!
I feel so lucky to be friends with them, I feel at ease with all of them, they are genuine, kind, lovely,they make me laugh.
IF YOU ALSO HAD OR HAVE PROBLEMS TO FIND PEOPLE YOU CAN REALLY, TRUST,COUNT ON, KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE, AT ALL.There are many, in fact, who struggle…
Sometimes it takes (lot of) time to find genuine people, friends BUT PLEASE, DO NOT GIVE UP! BECAUSE SOMEONE OUT THERE, IS WAITING FOR YOU !.
So , in my next article I will be writing about HAIR CARE WITH LA BOHÈME !
(Hair care is one of my ways to manage my anxiety ).
See you soon :)
With Love
Sofia Lena
Testi, links e Photo credit responsabilità di Sofia Perissinotto
Post non sponsorizzato